It was observed recently about me that I am very optimistic. While that is not always the case it is in a general way more true than untrue. The things in life that come my way are more often seen as opportunities than challenges. I love to grow and learn, hate to change, love to seek for knowledge I do not yet have.
Not all that infrequently I express my optimism in an assertive way. That brought about a need to look inside and see where the roots of that lie. What sprang to mind is that there are two places that can drive assertive optimism: presumption or confidence.
Well imagine how I reeled at the negative connotations of presumption. Presumption of me speaks to self entitlement, the feeling that something is due the one who presumes. The classic foregone conclusion. Such an easy place to go when you have a strong personality such as mine. (no laughing out there I'm trying to be self aware) Presumption, for me, carries that magical thinking we all had as infants that just because someone desires something it of course will happen as they envision the outcome. The power of the assertion stems more purely from a sense of self alone. (yeah I hate that kind of thinking)
So how then is confidence any different? Confidence is an assertion that one can control the pathway to a desired outcome through effort, vigilance and a willingness to bend to the pathway in order to get there. Confidence says; ' I can get there' or 'I want that bad enough to make it happen' Confidence states the outcome not as a certainty but an affirmation of internal drive. It is not magical. It inhabits an understanding that expected outcomes take effort to achieve. confidence then is assertive optimism has faith in ability to manage an outcome.
Presumptive is greedy. Confident expects it to come the old fashioned way, 'you earn it.' Presumption is selfish. Confidence is faith.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Life in hte flat lands
I have been here in what is arguably the flattest place on earth. If Columbus would have been sailing from here he'd likely never have gotten funding.
I drove into Miami yesterday through the everglades. Stopped to marvel at what a divergent ecosystem it is from the one I am so used too. No matter where you looked there was really not anything that even remotely resembled dry land.
When I got to Miami I felt like I so rarely feel in a city anywhere. I have been in a lot of cities, but I so felt an outsider looking in. Almost turned tail and just went home as I could not even engage anyone in conversation. However, I did find my way to south beach in the Art Deco district. I probably walked too far and too much but it doesn't seem to have affected anything. I took many pics of my fave buildings and went to commune with nature on the beach. It exists there not 100 yards from such vibrant humanity..What a wonderful dichotomy!
On the 90 minute beach I was able to watch huge thunderstorms over Gator Alley. Tall thunderheads would light up with the lightening like an over sized hot air balloon. I am sure the colors must have been dramatic as I could even see them. Remembered that one of the few things I truly love about the south's ecosystems is the ginormous gloppy rain. Had to stop and just stand out in it and get soaked. Now that was a wondrous and cleaning thing! Found myself washed over with a renewed energy and spirit.
May the peace that surrounds us all find and fill you wherever you are, whatever you are doing. let it fill your day, your heart and the face of another with a mirror of your own.
I drove into Miami yesterday through the everglades. Stopped to marvel at what a divergent ecosystem it is from the one I am so used too. No matter where you looked there was really not anything that even remotely resembled dry land.
When I got to Miami I felt like I so rarely feel in a city anywhere. I have been in a lot of cities, but I so felt an outsider looking in. Almost turned tail and just went home as I could not even engage anyone in conversation. However, I did find my way to south beach in the Art Deco district. I probably walked too far and too much but it doesn't seem to have affected anything. I took many pics of my fave buildings and went to commune with nature on the beach. It exists there not 100 yards from such vibrant humanity..What a wonderful dichotomy!
On the 90 minute beach I was able to watch huge thunderstorms over Gator Alley. Tall thunderheads would light up with the lightening like an over sized hot air balloon. I am sure the colors must have been dramatic as I could even see them. Remembered that one of the few things I truly love about the south's ecosystems is the ginormous gloppy rain. Had to stop and just stand out in it and get soaked. Now that was a wondrous and cleaning thing! Found myself washed over with a renewed energy and spirit.
May the peace that surrounds us all find and fill you wherever you are, whatever you are doing. let it fill your day, your heart and the face of another with a mirror of your own.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Confessions of a patriot
OK so they say that confession is good for the soul. Well sometimes what we have to confess is that we already have something good for the soul. I am a Patriot.
Tears come to my eyes when they play the Star Spangled Banner at a high school football game and those around me stand and sing. I get a lump in my throat to be at my Starbucks is when a young man comes in wearing his uniform so proudly. I stop and ogle at the enormous flag that flies over a park in the town where I work.
Even my choices in music are a reflection of it. Now I will tell you I don't listen to music all that much, but when I do............. Of late it has been a CD I bought last winter while at the American Pavilion at Epcot on Walt Disney World. It is a collection of Americana style songs all sung in acapella style. The talent is incredible, the arrangements wonderful and original. My favorite one is, you may have guessed, The National Anthem. It gives me goose bumps, both times i listen to it back to back after resetting it.
Many of you know I also love almost anything to do with anything that flies. My favorites are always the military planes. They are fast, big and some do the most amazing things. However it is what they represent that gets me. Simply put they are like Freedom on the wing. Maybe you'd have had to be on the ground and have them fly over low to do their work.
I watch the Military Channel and literally cry when they speak of Arlington National Cemetery. (one of my fave songs is about Arlington) A reflexive draw to the position of attention can happen for me when I see a flag being brought onto a field of play. Sitting in a seat at Wrigley field just has to fill you with a sense of what it is to be American.
Some say that the things we do as a country have no merit and no meaning. We are wasteful, twisted and corrupt. I say to them, those are universally human nature and not unique to our country. What is unique is this: FREEDOM. The Battle Hymn of the Republic (also on my recent fave CD) says "as he died to make men holy, let us die to make men free." Another favorite saying is that Freedom Isn't Free. But I don't' hold that to military service. It says we all have a duty to make informed decisions that are heart felt when we vote. When we decide what we want to stand for. Might does not make right, right is right.
Debate me, convince me, let me convince you based on the weight of facts, convictions and what is the right thing to do.
Tears come to my eyes when they play the Star Spangled Banner at a high school football game and those around me stand and sing. I get a lump in my throat to be at my Starbucks is when a young man comes in wearing his uniform so proudly. I stop and ogle at the enormous flag that flies over a park in the town where I work.
Even my choices in music are a reflection of it. Now I will tell you I don't listen to music all that much, but when I do............. Of late it has been a CD I bought last winter while at the American Pavilion at Epcot on Walt Disney World. It is a collection of Americana style songs all sung in acapella style. The talent is incredible, the arrangements wonderful and original. My favorite one is, you may have guessed, The National Anthem. It gives me goose bumps, both times i listen to it back to back after resetting it.
Many of you know I also love almost anything to do with anything that flies. My favorites are always the military planes. They are fast, big and some do the most amazing things. However it is what they represent that gets me. Simply put they are like Freedom on the wing. Maybe you'd have had to be on the ground and have them fly over low to do their work.
I watch the Military Channel and literally cry when they speak of Arlington National Cemetery. (one of my fave songs is about Arlington) A reflexive draw to the position of attention can happen for me when I see a flag being brought onto a field of play. Sitting in a seat at Wrigley field just has to fill you with a sense of what it is to be American.
Some say that the things we do as a country have no merit and no meaning. We are wasteful, twisted and corrupt. I say to them, those are universally human nature and not unique to our country. What is unique is this: FREEDOM. The Battle Hymn of the Republic (also on my recent fave CD) says "as he died to make men holy, let us die to make men free." Another favorite saying is that Freedom Isn't Free. But I don't' hold that to military service. It says we all have a duty to make informed decisions that are heart felt when we vote. When we decide what we want to stand for. Might does not make right, right is right.
Debate me, convince me, let me convince you based on the weight of facts, convictions and what is the right thing to do.
Friday, September 7, 2007
An adrenalin rush!
At 4:45 I was on my way out the door when the overhead speaker came to life; "Infant code 99 in ER. Infant code 99 in ER" Everything changed in that moment. The clinical nurse in me dropped my coat and I found myself running to the ER.
I had not physically participated in direct care of any patient for months and not an infant in two years. The most amazing thing for me about adrenalin and anxiety is the focus it creates for me. I see everything and even find great economy and directness in my physical activity. Who I am seeps out. I can stand and watch and help, but it is contrary to who I am. This time was no time to stand back. A life was very clearly going to end without the right things being done, and done fast. This is what I love to do and where I flourish.
No hesitation, no searching for knowledge not recently used. I stepped right back into the familiar. The flight nurse who had so accurately assessed an acute change in the babes condition obviously had skills. The rest in the room while talented and smart just so rarely see or deal with infants. The scene was taken in rapidly and an assessment made. Needs were rapidly identified and prioritized.
The IV was crap and the babe had been used as a pin cushion. Started a better line in under three minutes. Damn that felt good!!! Assessed the fluids being given and got them increased. turned back to the flight nurse still struggling with managing numbers. Reminded her to focus on the baby not it's numbers. We needed an endotracheal tube. Then I became the coach. Telling others what we needed while she got the ET in place. The mind flying and taking control.
Felt the flight nurse take my forearm and say, "Thank you! This baby needed you. And where in the heck did you learn all this and end up in the middle of nowhere?" Told her I am no longer a clinical nurse but I play one at codes.
The airway wasn't' working. Replaced it. Still not working. Told her not to pull it. Trust her skills and think about the diagnosis. We tried a neb treatment and it worked. The lungs became more compliant in an instant. I felt like I could breath again too. We all did!
Best of all the baby began in short order to move and open her eyes. It was working! The flight nurse went to confer by phone with her MD control. When I looked up all eyes were looking to me for what came next.
It was such a reaffirming thing to be able to bring my skill to bear with such success. (never a guarantee) To see those who I work with and manage, turning to me for what I can do clinically. Now they were learning, building there experience and we set about making sure the babe stayed stable.
She went over the hills and is dong fine now. Nothing is more rewarding than knowing she and her parents will have more time. They will be able to share all of what is so truly important in life. Family and friends.
For me personally however it was also about, in those minutes, building more credibility with my colleagues than I have in 4 months. No longer just one to push excellence in care giving through words, but actions as well.
I had not physically participated in direct care of any patient for months and not an infant in two years. The most amazing thing for me about adrenalin and anxiety is the focus it creates for me. I see everything and even find great economy and directness in my physical activity. Who I am seeps out. I can stand and watch and help, but it is contrary to who I am. This time was no time to stand back. A life was very clearly going to end without the right things being done, and done fast. This is what I love to do and where I flourish.
No hesitation, no searching for knowledge not recently used. I stepped right back into the familiar. The flight nurse who had so accurately assessed an acute change in the babes condition obviously had skills. The rest in the room while talented and smart just so rarely see or deal with infants. The scene was taken in rapidly and an assessment made. Needs were rapidly identified and prioritized.
The IV was crap and the babe had been used as a pin cushion. Started a better line in under three minutes. Damn that felt good!!! Assessed the fluids being given and got them increased. turned back to the flight nurse still struggling with managing numbers. Reminded her to focus on the baby not it's numbers. We needed an endotracheal tube. Then I became the coach. Telling others what we needed while she got the ET in place. The mind flying and taking control.
Felt the flight nurse take my forearm and say, "Thank you! This baby needed you. And where in the heck did you learn all this and end up in the middle of nowhere?" Told her I am no longer a clinical nurse but I play one at codes.
The airway wasn't' working. Replaced it. Still not working. Told her not to pull it. Trust her skills and think about the diagnosis. We tried a neb treatment and it worked. The lungs became more compliant in an instant. I felt like I could breath again too. We all did!
Best of all the baby began in short order to move and open her eyes. It was working! The flight nurse went to confer by phone with her MD control. When I looked up all eyes were looking to me for what came next.
It was such a reaffirming thing to be able to bring my skill to bear with such success. (never a guarantee) To see those who I work with and manage, turning to me for what I can do clinically. Now they were learning, building there experience and we set about making sure the babe stayed stable.
She went over the hills and is dong fine now. Nothing is more rewarding than knowing she and her parents will have more time. They will be able to share all of what is so truly important in life. Family and friends.
For me personally however it was also about, in those minutes, building more credibility with my colleagues than I have in 4 months. No longer just one to push excellence in care giving through words, but actions as well.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Love, Sex and Intimacy
It has occurred to me on several occasions that I have at times used love, sex and intimacy interchangeably. But they aren't unchangeable. They are distinct but often interwoven. The interactions between those who form intensely personal bonds, be it friendship or a much deeper commitment are both complex, and at times simply innate. They encompass the full spectrum of physical and emotional sensations.
So to be clear, when I speak of these things I will use the context of interpersonal relationships. I will attempt to delineate where in my humble mind each of the title actions inhabits it's own realm and where their boundaries are inextricably intermingled.
LOVE
Love is the unseen, often unexpected and intensely emotional attraction we feel for others. It is the connection which drives us to do things for or with another which we would not do for or by ourselves. I have heard it said that love is not selfish. I agree. If it serves self only then it is not love. By extension then, love is selfless. It is the force that drives us to think of others before self.
Love need not be mutual or even consensual. It does not have to be returned to be real. Love is not dependant upon mutual gain. The sense of emotional well being that love generates is it's own reward.
When I have said that love hurts, am I not really saying; ' I so needed their love.' or 'I needed them to love me as I loved them.'? As I have explored this in my mind I see that perhaps what I all to easily identified as love was the desire to have my needs met. Love goes out. It comes back not as a reflection, but rather as an independent source of joy, hope, support and emotional well being.
Love is not the physical. It is the metaphysical!
Sex
Sex is any act between two or more individuals the goal of which is releasing an emotional or physical gratification. That gratification can be climaxed in either physical or mental form. Sex in this broad definition then can take place at great distances and without any physical contact whatsoever.
Sex needn't be mutually gratifying. It is frequently the source of abuse. Again I show my bias in that anything which is for self alone is not healthy to all involved. When it is mutually gratifying it leads to fulfillment of both a physical and often emotional need.
Sex can be an expression of what is driven by emotional attachment, or a more primal need to experience the euphoria of climax. It can be used to cement a bond, or simply provide a release.
Intimacy
Intimacy is the sharing of feelings, thoughts, actions, sensations and emotions. These can be shared in any combination or singularly. Intimacy is that part of a relationship which forms the sense of belonging to a pairing or group. It is that which we see as defining who 'we' are that nobody else is.
Secrets are intimate. A particular physical interaction is intimate. Thoughts, actions and feelings which take place under an umbrella of trust are intimate.
Put simply, if it fosters a sense of belonging, then it is intimate.
Spheres
Taken together these spheres overlap in places. The do so discreetly with one other sphere or encompassing a shared area of influence with both of the other spheres. Any given relationship may find expression or definition within one sphere or all of the spheres. The more spheres shared in a relationship, the deeper and for me, more committed it is.
Communication is both glue and lubrication for the interaction between spheres. For them to build bonds, and allow for growth they need to be founded on honesty, trust and respect.
So to be clear, when I speak of these things I will use the context of interpersonal relationships. I will attempt to delineate where in my humble mind each of the title actions inhabits it's own realm and where their boundaries are inextricably intermingled.
LOVE
Love is the unseen, often unexpected and intensely emotional attraction we feel for others. It is the connection which drives us to do things for or with another which we would not do for or by ourselves. I have heard it said that love is not selfish. I agree. If it serves self only then it is not love. By extension then, love is selfless. It is the force that drives us to think of others before self.
Love need not be mutual or even consensual. It does not have to be returned to be real. Love is not dependant upon mutual gain. The sense of emotional well being that love generates is it's own reward.
When I have said that love hurts, am I not really saying; ' I so needed their love.' or 'I needed them to love me as I loved them.'? As I have explored this in my mind I see that perhaps what I all to easily identified as love was the desire to have my needs met. Love goes out. It comes back not as a reflection, but rather as an independent source of joy, hope, support and emotional well being.
Love is not the physical. It is the metaphysical!
Sex
Sex is any act between two or more individuals the goal of which is releasing an emotional or physical gratification. That gratification can be climaxed in either physical or mental form. Sex in this broad definition then can take place at great distances and without any physical contact whatsoever.
Sex needn't be mutually gratifying. It is frequently the source of abuse. Again I show my bias in that anything which is for self alone is not healthy to all involved. When it is mutually gratifying it leads to fulfillment of both a physical and often emotional need.
Sex can be an expression of what is driven by emotional attachment, or a more primal need to experience the euphoria of climax. It can be used to cement a bond, or simply provide a release.
Intimacy
Intimacy is the sharing of feelings, thoughts, actions, sensations and emotions. These can be shared in any combination or singularly. Intimacy is that part of a relationship which forms the sense of belonging to a pairing or group. It is that which we see as defining who 'we' are that nobody else is.
Secrets are intimate. A particular physical interaction is intimate. Thoughts, actions and feelings which take place under an umbrella of trust are intimate.
Put simply, if it fosters a sense of belonging, then it is intimate.
Spheres
Taken together these spheres overlap in places. The do so discreetly with one other sphere or encompassing a shared area of influence with both of the other spheres. Any given relationship may find expression or definition within one sphere or all of the spheres. The more spheres shared in a relationship, the deeper and for me, more committed it is.
Communication is both glue and lubrication for the interaction between spheres. For them to build bonds, and allow for growth they need to be founded on honesty, trust and respect.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Butterflies are free
Hello to my inaugural blog. I have been reading some another blog of late and felt like perhaps there was somethign or somethings for me to say here. First let me say that this is an excercise in stepping outside myself. While I love words, I have long had a mistrust for those i did not deliver personally. These will not be proffered in that way at all. I don't know if anyone will ever view them or if they will find an audience in which they will spark more thought. If they touch you then let me know. If they dont touch you then stick wtih me, my reach may improve.
"If you love somethig let it go. If it returns to you then it was always yours. If it doesn't return, it was never yours."
I was recently asked to step outsie myself and extend the trust that i so often ask of others. To relenquish the control by which I so often seek to make the world conform to my view. It sounded simple to them. it sounded like my world was coming apart to me. But I knew I had to trust. What an invaluable lesson I was offered into myself and how I should see others.
I let go of the control, stepped back adn took a deep breath. A lesson I also learned from this good friend. In short I set my friend free of the controlling way I saw them. No caoching no how to let go. No pressure that if i didnt' let go things would never work out. Simply release, wait and watch.
Today that release was rewarded in a new found freedom when the friend showed me how valuable I am to them. What would I have given to have what I have tonight? Far mroe than I was ever asked to give. And yet in my foolish, self centered view of life I was hesitant to give even that simple freedom.
My friend knows me well, perhaps beter than I do even myself. But I learn at their hands, loving and caring as they are. They are a safe place to put my needs, worries, insecurities adn hopes.
I so needed this lesson. All too often am I the one asking others to bear with me. Now i know I am more often than not the one who needs to bear with myself. To open my ears and my eyes and listen to them.
What did I find at the end of the freedom I thought I offered my friend adn they offered me? I found the freedom to be a true friend, a valued friend and a better more insightful person. Thanks Friend.
"If you love somethig let it go. If it returns to you then it was always yours. If it doesn't return, it was never yours."
I was recently asked to step outsie myself and extend the trust that i so often ask of others. To relenquish the control by which I so often seek to make the world conform to my view. It sounded simple to them. it sounded like my world was coming apart to me. But I knew I had to trust. What an invaluable lesson I was offered into myself and how I should see others.
I let go of the control, stepped back adn took a deep breath. A lesson I also learned from this good friend. In short I set my friend free of the controlling way I saw them. No caoching no how to let go. No pressure that if i didnt' let go things would never work out. Simply release, wait and watch.
Today that release was rewarded in a new found freedom when the friend showed me how valuable I am to them. What would I have given to have what I have tonight? Far mroe than I was ever asked to give. And yet in my foolish, self centered view of life I was hesitant to give even that simple freedom.
My friend knows me well, perhaps beter than I do even myself. But I learn at their hands, loving and caring as they are. They are a safe place to put my needs, worries, insecurities adn hopes.
I so needed this lesson. All too often am I the one asking others to bear with me. Now i know I am more often than not the one who needs to bear with myself. To open my ears and my eyes and listen to them.
What did I find at the end of the freedom I thought I offered my friend adn they offered me? I found the freedom to be a true friend, a valued friend and a better more insightful person. Thanks Friend.
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